Sunday, 8 June 2008

Buy now or else!

Having once made the mistake of purchasing something from an online purveyor of self-improvement stuff, my e-mail box has been filled to overflowing with offers to purchase further stuff at super inflated prices under the guise of n% price cuts. I may have fallen for that trick a couple of times, but now, I'm implacable in my resistance. I now regard such missives as risible as lonely-hearts advertisements and read them for their amusement value. Here's something that arrived today appended with a few of my thoughts in italics. See if you can guess which of your personal attributes the self-improvement kit aims to address. I'll give you the answer tomorrow.

Freed from your fears and feelings of insecurity..

  • You will speak out boldly without hesitation or embarrassment. Your opinions will be sought out and valued.
[Oh, no they won’t. There’s a good chance you’ll alienate a few people, possibly jeopardize your career and certainly upset your spouse. Dream on, keep your thoughts to yourself….]

  • People will trust your ability to get the job done. When you know you can do it, others willingly accept your authority.
    [Coughs. I can’t bring myself to tell you how mistaken this belief is, but it is.]

  • You will cope more effectively with the hassles of everyday living. When you are in control of your life, difficult people and situations lose their power to upset you.
    [So, how do you regard people who acquire sobriquet’s along the lines of e.g. ‘Teflon Tony’, ‘Rhino Rind Ronnie’, etc. etc? Do you really want to join their ranks?]

  • Exciting opportunities you can't imagine right now will present themselves to you. And you'll be ready to respond.
    [You’ll recognize this process. It begins with an encouragement, delivered by a minion sent from on high, to clear your desk. This is followed by a procession, led by yourself with a hunk from security at your rear, all the way to the entrance door via the offices of your rivals. It’s a right of passage you’ll remember for the rest of your life as you are never allowed back.]

  • You will know how to turn any negative situation into a positive one, and use it to your advantage.
    [Otherwise recognized as BS.]

  • You'll be able to negotiate from a position of strength on a new car, a house, a bigger raise, or a better job.
    [Laughs! They will see you coming. They know you’re full of the BS mentioned above and will use it against you to charge you for extra’s you never knew existed before.]

  • You will feel a tremendous sense
    of control over your life and the direction it takes in the future. [Delusion is a cheap alternative to organized religion if you are too mean to donate your tithe.]

  • You will be free to do the work that's important to you, instead of yielding to the wishes of others.
    [Unemployment is a great opportunity to do as you please.]

  • You can live every day consistent with what you believe and what you desire. [Create your own planet but don’t forget to take the tablets otherwise the planet the rest of us are on will cause you major heartache.]
  • No comments: